The Kong Show: Sex And Violence
by Alex Sambora
Summary: A parody of the third 'The Muppet Show' pilot. The cast of 'The Kong Movie' and some other characters re-enact this episode. Hilariousity, I think, ensues


DTOTF: I do not own _The Muppet Show_ or DKC. I only own Azlamec, Cassi, and other OCs you may have noticed somewhere in my fanfics.

BLA: Please note that everyone will be taking on different rolls. Now we're not saying who's taking on whose roles because that'd take too long.

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"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE END OF SEX AND VIOLENCE ON TELEVISON!!!"

With those words said, a woman with light gray hair and blue eyes, whom we later find out to be Wrinkly, blows up the words and runs off-screen, laughing like crazy. A man with dark gray hair and hazel eyes dressed in a trench coat, who we later find out to be Cranky, appears infront of the screen and stamps it with something labled 'DO NOT ERASE'.

**Control room**

Cranky is standing infront of the camera.

Cranky: What we have here is the control room. (points to random statue)That is the company wiseman. His name is David.

He looks up to the entrance, which is in the ceiling, where Wrinkly, the crazy explosive woman who blew up the words 'Sex And Violence', has just stuck her upper torso through.

Cranky: Oh, hey, Wri, no more explosions. Alright?

Wrinkly, grinning mischieviously, nods and leaves.

Cranky: OK well. (walks around a table, stops infront of a cage, leans towards it where a hyperactive/psychotic blue-haired person is locked in, waves)Hey, Azlamec. (to camera, continues walking)That's Azlamec, the hyperactive/psychotic/crazy drummer of a band you'll see later on.

Azlamec lets out a roar. Cranky stops beside a brown-haired boy wearing a red hat, who is looking at a Lockjaw in a fish bowl.

Cranky: And this is Diddy. He's sorta like the residency of music for the whole group. (to Diddy)How're you today, Diddy?

Diddy: Great, Cra.

Cranky: (to camera, continues walking)And over here we have, uh, Wrinkly. She's here to keep order with the group so everything doesn't go crazy. Right, Wrinkly?

Wrinkly: (still looking at her playing cards)Hm? (looks up, to Cranky(who's now standing on her other side))Oh, yeah. Cranky, I'd like to talk to you about the Seven Deadly Sins contest we're having.

Cranky: It's a pagent, Wrinkly, a pagent.

Wrinkly: I mean, Cra, do we _really_ have to get into a _deadly sins_ situation?

Diddy: (walks up to them, crosses arms behind his head)Dang, do you _believe_ this dude-cat?

Cranky: (confused)'Dude-cat'?

Wrinkly: I am _not_ a dude-cat. I am a humanized female ape.

Diddy: Yeah, you may _be_ a humanized female ape but you ain't _the_ humanized female ape.

Wrinkly: Now what does _that_ mean, Diddy?

Cranky: Wrinkly, wait.

Wrinkly: I don't understand--

Cranky: Wrinkly, wait a minute.

Wrinkly looks at him.

Cranky: Now this pagent is something that's gonna be all in good taste. We got live music, hand-painted scenery, and everything--you're gonna _love_ it!

**Skip to an 'At The Dance' scene**

A bunch of the cast members are ball room dancing with partners. Wrinkly, whose partner just so happens to be Cranky(duh) and trenchcoat is unbuttoned/untied, looks at the screen.

Wrinkly: (to viewers/readers/camera)Yeah, it'll skip from place to place. You'll get used to it.

Ninja: Who does your hair?

Candy: Who does your face?

**Makin' Somethin' With Mario!** (yeah, I went that far)

Mario pops up in a kitchen, a sub sandwich bread in front of him.

Mario: (in Italian/Swedish)Today we will be making a sub sandwich.

He sprinkles some lettuce, cheese, and meat on to the bread. He wipes his hands, still speaking in Italian/Swedish, with a rag and then puts the rag on the sandwich.

**Control Room**

Wrinkly and Cassi are playing checkers. Cassi moves one of her checkers. Wrinkly looks up at her.

Wrinkly: Sure you wanna do that, Cas?

Cassi: If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't've moved it. See what I'm sayin'?

Wrinkly: OK, Cassi.

She moves one of her checkers over the ones Cassi has left on the board.

Wrinkly: Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump.

Cassi looks at the checker board and Wrinkly looks at her, grinning.

Wrinkly: I win.

_**BZZZ-BZ**_

Cassi puts her head in her hands while Wrinkly turns to the overcome.

Wrinkly: (into overcome)Yeah?

Candy's voice: (through overcome)Sorry to bother you, but there's a guy here that says he's one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Wrinkly: Oh good.

Cassi: (into overcome)Oh, yeah. Just, uh, just send him in.

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

Wrinkly: (turns to the door)Come in.

Snide, cash that is exposing itself stuffed into his clothing, walks in.

Snide: Money, money, money. I just _love_ the stuff! Dunno how much I'm payin' but I _know_ it's not enough!

Wrinkly: (stands beside him)Uh, let's see. You must be Snide, AKA the Deadly Sin Averist, right?

Snide pats his stomache in reply.

Wrinkly: Oh, wonderful, uh... Listen, dressing room #6 upstairs.

Snide: I gotta call my broker!

He runs off.

Diddy: (looks at her then at the door)What was _that_?

Wrinkly: Oh, he's part of the Deadly Sins pagent.

Diddy: (to camera/probably her)Freak city.

Wrinkly: Mh-hm.

Dixie pops in through the opposite door.

Dixie: Hey, Dids, we're on!

Diddy: (to Dixie)OK, baby.(to Wrinkly)Keep on movin', Wri.

Wrinkly: Whatever.

Diddy leaves.

Cassi: Wrinkly?

Wrinkly: Hm?

Cassi: Uh... Where is Freak City?

**Musical #: Love Ya To Death**

Diddy takes the microphone.

Diddy: (into the mic)Ladies and gentlemen, we're here. The highlight of the evening--the very wonderful, the very exciting, the very violent, and the very finacifully successful Shocking Mischief.

Screen switches over to Cranky, who is behind a keyboard.

Cranky: Alright, guys, you ready?

Tiny/Dixie/Diddy/Azlamec: YEAH!!!

Cranky: Good, cuz I'm startin' whether y'all are or not!

Crowd laughs.

Diddy: (to viewers/readers/audience)Can you guess which one of us is singin'?

Tiny: If you picked the guy behind the keyboard, you're right.

The band plays the intro.

_I'm gonna light some dynamite And blow open your heart (Yeah, yeah) I'm gonna light some dynamite And blow open your heart I'm gonna light some dynamite A blast open a tunnel to your love_

_I'm gonna explode an atom bomb And blow a hole in your soul I'm gonna explode an atom bomb! And blow a hole in your soul_

A smile creases across the face of the keyboardist, whose head in lowered to where his collar bone-length hair is covering up his eyes.

_I'm gonna get through to you, baby Before I lose control!!_

(guitar solo for Diddy)

_I'll break down your resistance With every trick I got I know I'm gonna make you happy, baby--whether you like it or not!!!_

_I'm gonna rumble up an earthquake And avalanche you with my love I'm gonna rumble up an earthquake_

_And avalanche you with my love! I'm gonna take you apart, baby! Until I find your love!_

A few more notes are played and then Tiny blows one more huge note, ending the song. The group, minus Azlamec because he's chained to where Diddy has to unchain him in order for him to stand, bows.

**With Kazema and KB**

Kazema: Y'know, KB, I been thinkin'.

KB: 'bout what?

Kazema: About the younger generation.

KB: What about them?

Kazema: Dunno where they're goin'.

KB: You can say that again.

Kazema: Dunno where they're goin'.

KB: Neither did the geyser.

Kazema looks at him.

Kazema: He comin' too?

Silence.

KB: Kazema? My foot's asleep.

**At The Dance**

People are still ball room dancing.

DK: (to his partner)You know, I just might be able to get you a job on an educational show for kids.

**Cookin' Somethin' With Mario**

Mario, still speaking Italian/Swedish, is now about to add a rubber chicken to the sandwich.

Mario: ...and then you smack the bird with the hammer.(bangs rubber chicken with a wooden hammer, puts the rubber chicken on the sandwich)

**Control room**

Wrinkly, Cranky, and Diddy are all playing cards(probably a rousing game of Bull Shit(otherwise known as BS(yes, it's also a card game))).

Wrinkly: Your turn, Cra.

Cranky puts down a few cards. Wrinkly leans forward, looks at them, and, with a grin on her face, looks up at him.

Wrinkly: Ah, saving threes, eh?

Cranky groans and the phone rings. He picks it up.

Cranky: (into phone)Hello? Hm, well, hold on.(to Wrinkly)Do we want and _Eighth_ Deadly Sin for the pagent?

Wrinkly: Uh, which one?

Cranky: (into phone)What is your Eighth?(nods, to Wrinkly)Wearing Funny Pants To A Funeral.

Wrinkly: Let's see. We got, uh, Envy, Rage, Gluttony, Sloth, Vanity, Lust, Averist, and, uh...

Cranky: Wearing Funny Pants To A Funeral.

Wrinkly: I don't think so.

Cranky: (into phone)No, sorry, just your basic Seven Deadlies. Thank you.(hangs up)

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

All three: Come in.

Karin, whom is a Muppet OC, walks in.

Karin: Oh I _love_ this room.(to Wrinkly)Is that your hat? Wish I had a shirt like that.

Wrinkly: (standing beside her)Karen Teeth(yes, I spelled her name wrong on purpose(the way it's written in Wrinkly's line is how it's pronounced)), AKA the Deadly Sin Envy, right?

Karin: Gee, I wish I was quick like you(seriously--Wrinkly is quicker than Karin(in fact, _most_ people are a little quicker than Karin)).

Wrinkly: Dressing room #8 upstairs.

Karin: Couldn't I have nine? I bet it's nicer.

Wrinkly: Would you get outta here?!

Karin: (leaving)Gee, I wish I could give orders like that.

**At The Dance**

People are still ball room dancing.

K. Rool: Y'know, you _really_ look familiar.

His partner turns to face the screen, revealing that she bears a resemblence to Chris Slate(from the _Nintendo Power_ staff), and let's out a very Chris-ish laugh.

**Control room**

Cranky and Diddy are playing chess. Cranky moves and then so does Diddy.

Diddy: Check. Mate.(laughs)Alright.

Wrinkly: Very nice game, Diddy.

Cranky: Check... mate?(to Wrinkly)You--

_**BZZ-BZZ-BZZ-BZZ-BZZZZZZZ**_

Cranky: (into overcome)Uh, what?

Candy: (through overcome)More Deadly Sins have come to see you.

Cranky: (into overcome)Alright. Well, just send them in.(hangs up, turns to Wrinkly)Now--

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

Wrinkly: Come in!

Cranky: Come in!

Kalypso walks in.

Kalypso: (as though pittying herself)Oh, I don't think the world will ever see someone as beautiful as me.

Wrinkly: (walks up to her)Kalypso, AKA the Deadly Sin Vanity, right? 'Kay, dressing room across the hall.(out the door)Next! Who's next?

Chunky enters.

Chunky: I love to crunch, I love to munch and any time is time for lunch.

Wrinkly: OK. Gluttony. OK, OK. Who's next?

Kass enters.

Kass: Hi! I'm leafy green vegetable.

Wrinkly: Uhh, leafy green vegetables?(turns to the others)That's not one of the Seven Deadly Sins, is it?

Kass: (causing Wrinkly to turn back to her)Seven Deadly? Oh. I thought this was Seven Basic Food!

Wrinkly: No, no, no. That's Studio B across the hall.

Chunky chases Kass out.

Wrinkly: Yeesh...

**A few moments later**

Wrinkly and Cranky are playing Scrabble.

Cranky: OK. See there, the word is 'gribbaziggy'.

Wrinkly: Just what kinda word is 'gribbaziggy'?

Cranky: Oh, well, you know, like 'I gribbaziggy you'? You know, like that.

Diddy: (to Wrinkly)Challenge 'im, man.

Wrinkly: I challenge the word 'gribbaziggy'.

David: (pulls out dictionary)Alrighty. Let's see... Ah, here we are. 'A Medival form of gribbazooga.'

Cranky: 193 points, Wri.

Wrinkly: Whoa, hold! Lemme see that dictionary!

_**BZZ-BZZ-BZZ-BZZ**_

Wrinkly: (into overcome)Yeah? What is it?

Laughter is heard from the other end of the line.

Cranky: (into overcome)Hey, what's--what's goin' on out there?

Candy: (through overcome, inbetween laughs)Another Deadly Sin is here.

Wrinkly: (groans, into overcome)Tell 'im to come in!

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

_**KNOCK**_

Wrinkly/Cranky: Come in!

Lanky enters.

Lanky: Kiss 'em and squeeze 'em. Love 'em and leave 'em!

Cranky: OK, listen Lanky, AKA the Deadly Sin Lust, you better get right up to the studio 'cause we're fixin' to start.

Lanky: Sure, alright. Love ya, sweetheart.

Wrinkly: (pushing him out)Alright, alright! Go now!

Cranky: (is disturbed by what just happened between him and Lanky)

**Makin' Somethin' With Mario**

Mario, still speaking Italian/Swedish, has finished the sandwich, which suddenly flies off. It won't come back so he gets out a small blunderbust and shoots it. It falls into a jumbled mess on the counter.

**At The Dance**

Everyone is _still_ frickin' ball room dancing! WTF?!

Candy: (to her partner)How long have you been like this?

Cranky: (leading his partner (who is Wrinkly, by the way) off-screen, actually taking the liberty to say something that makes sense)This way.

A random Scyther(from Pomkemon) walks up to a dancing pair.

Scyther: May I 'cut' in?

Funky(he's gun obsessed): I was with James Bond but nobody remembers.

**At the side of the stage**

Wrinkly, dressed in a violet tux(?), pops out from one of the pillars.

Wrinkly: Don't run off 'cause we'll be back after a short message from our sponsers with the finals of the Seven Deadly Sins pagent!

**After the short intermition**

Cranky, dressed in a violet tux, walks on-screen infront of the Deadly Sins.

Cranky: Well excitment is very tight here tonight, folks! In just a moment, our judges are going to select the _most deadly_ of the Seven Sins and then--

A gong sounds to his left.

Cranky: (to person who banged the gong)What's that?(to audience/viewers/readers/camera)Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Looks like we're outta time here, folks. (to the Deadly Sins)Can you come back next week, fellas?

The Deadly Sins starts griping as Cranky turns back around.

Cranky: (to viewers/readers/audience/camera)OK, we hoped you've enjoyed _The Kong Show: Sex And Violence_ and uh... OK, can somebody please take care of these guys, here?

Wrinkly, who had been told by him to cool it at the beginning, sounds off an explosion. Arguing ensues as the Shocking Mischief, now with Wrinkly as the keyboardist oddly enough, starts to end it. Cranky, now doing Crazy Harry, runs infront of them and sounds off an explosion. A lot more arguing ensues between Wrinkly, who, since the Shocking Mischief was no longer on-screen, had continued on with what Cranky was doing as Nigel, Cranky, who was still doing Crazy Harry, Cassi, and Diddy.

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DTOTF: I JUST SAW _THE MUPPET SHOW: SEX AND VIOLENCE_ ON YOUTUBE AND THAT'S WHERE I GOT ALL THE STUFF.

BLA: We know we skipped some of the skits but we only did what we found to be rather hilarious/amusing.

SxRF: Originally, Wrinkly was s'pposed to be Nigel all the way through and then be Dr. Teeth at the end.

MoK: But then we switched to her and Cranky alternating between Nigel, Crazy Harry, Sam, and Dr. Teeth.

DTOTF: There will be another chapter containing the bloopers so don't go away!


End file.
